You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
