shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
