This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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