Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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