Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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