just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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