my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
