Please, let me fuck your mom
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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