Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
