my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
