Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
