Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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