totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
