Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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