just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
