I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
