I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
