I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
