If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
