At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
