Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill