I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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