i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
