i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
