My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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