I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
