I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
