I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
