I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
