Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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