I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
