Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
