but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
