The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
they're like a gay fantastic four
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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