Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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