You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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