So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
