Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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