omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
