i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
