you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
