I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
