you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
