If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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