I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
