May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
