Is it because I queefed?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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