I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
