please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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