Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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