Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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