not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
