I will die if light touches me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
