Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
