just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
