i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
