the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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