Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
