Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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