My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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